I think I heard the first call years ago. Life was busy. Juggling work with motherhood. Twelve-hour nursing shifts, sleepless nights with fussy babies, carpools, kid activities, and helping with homework, later followed by driving lessons and college visits.

And then suddenly an empty nest.

No one told me about the empty hole that is left. Maybe they did, and I just didn’t listen. Maybe I didn’t want to listen. How do you go from being the one who makes all things happen— “Mom, I need 150 unlined notecards for school today,” and it’s 7:30 in the morning—to feeling empty? I loved being in the center of it all. Sure, it wasn’t always easy. We had the usual drama over homework assignments, emergency room visits and the heartbreak of watching your child struggle as they worked through a difficult phase. But I loved it. Best job ever. I guess technically I’m still mothering, but it’s not the same. I think I did a good job, and I am super proud of my boys. But what do I do now?

I have jokingly / not jokingly said that I am having a mid-life crisis over the last year. My family has listened patiently to me lamenting the fact that I don’t know what I want to do. I often say: “I feel lost.” “What do I do now?” “I need an adventure.” It wasn’t until I was outside doing yard work that I had that aha moment of clarity: I haven’t come to know myself and enjoy being me. How do I find myself and learn to like myself? 

I promise I’ll get back to finding myself, but I feel the need to interject some backstory here. Like many of you, I found myself with plenty of time to ponder during the Covid-19 shutdown. As a retired nurse, I made masks for neighborhood frontline healthcare workers and then friends, family and anyone who needed one. Then, I cleaned out all my drawers and went through my closet, filling bags for donation once the donation places opened back up.

We have one large upstairs bedroom with a large closet. It was the coveted bedroom of all three boys. It was a rite of passage to take over the room once the previous occupier left for college. With three boys having left things in the closet, it was prime purging real estate. It took hours. I have to confess that 99% of the time used was going down the proverbial memory lane. I found school essays I had saved, report cards, Yu-Gi-Oh! and Pokémon cards, class pictures, and… camping gear. Thank goodness I found the bins of camping gear because I was sobbing after looking through all the other bins. Holy cow! We had a lot of camping stuff. What is a Therm-a-Rest? Why do we have several different types of sleeping bags? Waterproof matches? You can see where I’m going with this.

Now, let’s return to the “finding myself” part. I have always been happiest when I am outside interacting with nature. It brings a calm that soothes my soul. Even when I was little and my home life was filled with chaos and imbalance, my escape was always outside. The sun is my own personal battery giving me strength. Plants and soil allow me to continue to “mother” as I coax flowers, fruit, and vegetables to grow. What better way to learn about me than to take those items used by my boys and answer the call.

I feel like I should insert a disclaimer here: I know nothing about actually camping. Real camping. Like starting a fire. Or setting up a tent. That nagging feeling that maybe there is a real need for waterproof matches. I Googled all the equipment that I didn’t know about. I understand now that I don’t want to camp in the rain with a down sleeping bag. A Therm-a-Rest is a very important item for anyone over the age of 10 if you plan to sleep on the ground. It is an inflatable sort of mattress that allows one to not feel those little rocks under the sleeping bag. I made a note to include that on my first outing. I ordered a four-person tent and a camping stove in the hopes of persuading my empty-nester friends to experience this thing called camping with me. I think I can rummage through the house for anything else I will need. YouTube is very handy, and I have now learned how to properly poop in the woods, tie some basic knots, and you can buy a wine flask made just for camping. My friends will be lining up to join me.

I have reserved a camp site for the day after my 56^th birthday. I will camp no matter what the weather is or if it’s a party of one. I’m a little nervous and a lot excited. I hope I hear the answer in my call to the wild.